Questions that will just have to be lived through

It's been a month.

Never thought this would happen. Never saw this coming. Still don't understand why this even happened at all. I mean is all this drama really needed? My life was pretty simple and boring. Now it seems complex and heavy.

Never thought I would lose a friend like this. Never thought I would lose a friend, period. Is it me? What did I do? Where did I go wrong? Why wasn't I told? What am I missing here? Am I that clueless and dense and insensitive that this thing just whisked past me and now there it is, shouting to my face, and I never even knew what hit me?

Was I unfair? Was I too emotional? Was I unreasonable? Was I really inconsistent? Was I that bad, for me to be dropped from someone's life just like that? I mean, I just wish there were hints of what was to come if it was indeed moving towards that direction. But even the subtlest hints were nowhere to be found. In fact, the complete opposite of the hints were what I got. We were getting along great just a few days, heck, just a few hours before that happened. And then boom! The explosion happened. At least natural disasters and calamities can be forecasted and predicted. But this came out of nowhere literally. And it's not as if I didn't ask. It's not as if I didn't try to find out if things are okay. But what I got was that there was something brewing already. I guess I believed too much in what I thought was an assurance that things were okay. When in reality they were not. Heck! Even my gut didn't detect anything. And I'm supposed to be a gut person. Which is I guess part of the frustration about this whole situation.

Was I even given a chance? Am I not worth giving it another shot? I didn't know anyone was keeping score. I certainly wasn't. At least not consciously, if at all. But definitely not deliberately. Why would I? As far as I'm concerned, once I've given the feedback, that's it! Clean slate. Reset. Do-over. And I guess I thought the golden rule usually applied in these cases. But it seems that I wasn't let off the hook that easily. I'm still not off of it.

And it may appear that this is happening, all under the notion and intent for me not to get hurt anymore. Just so that we keep the peace. But this isn't peace. It's anger and hurt swept under a rug that masquerades as peace. Who are we kidding? Who are we fooling? Who are we duping? Then again, it may just be me. It's always just me right? It's all my fault.

I tried to do the mature thing. I tried to be responsible and act like an adult, thinking I would be treated the same way in return. But it appears that I was expecting too much. This would definitely be a lot easier if I knew and I was convinced that I committed a major sin against someone. But I don't understand exactly what I did wrong. I'm not saying I'm perfect. In fact, I'm far from it. But at least I'd like to credit myself for being open and caring enough to work things out. If I did do something major that caused pain, suffering, and a world of hurt, then I would humbly accept and take ownership for it. It may be a bitter pill to swallow but I'm willing to take it in. Even just for the purpose of self-awareness and increased personal clarity. But I wasn't even allowed to find out. It's not as if my request was unreasonable or downright evil. On the contrary, I think it's even laudable. I mean, I'm trying by darnest best to do what's right here, but again it's like hitting my head against a brick wall. It's a dead end.

I just really wish I understood what's happening. Like I said, is this worth all the drama? I mean, it's not even a love relationship where there was a messy break-up. But it feels oddly similar to a break-up. It's so weird that I have to feel this bad and hurt over the loss of a friendship. Maybe because it's the first time. But why do I even have to lose a friend in the first place? Again, is all this drama really necessary? Can't I reserve this kind of melodrama for a relationship of the romantic kind? This just feels so overblown given it's just a simple friendship. Don't get me wrong. I'm not downplaying the value of this friendship. In fact, I clearly stated how much this friendship means to me and how I'd like to keep it forever. But it's a freakin' friendship! Whatever is the drama for anyway? Minor drama perhaps, but this? Just seems a bit too much.

I still think we're better off as friends than not. It's so much easier and much more natural to deal with each other as friends. Because I believe that some people are just really meant to be good friends. And I'd like to think that we are 2 of those people. Why are we torturing ourselves and putting ourselves through all this drama when we can just go back to being friends? I mean it's a fact that friends get on each others' nerves once in a while and they hurt each other here and there but that's why they're friends. They're supposed to stay, despite those things happening. They're just supposed to say, "Ouch! That hurt, you schmuck! Now scoot over and give me the remote back!" Makes you wonder sometimes if we were really friends in the first place, huh? But I'd like to believe we were and we are and we will be again. It's just something that can't be willed away just like that. It's going to take too much of an effort not being friends. The more natural state is to be friends.

If I am to be my most natural me, I would have to be friends again. Because not being friends is not normal, it's unnatural. It's not me. It's not us. Unless there's a logical explanation for us not being friends anymore, I will remain baffled why we cannot remain friends. It's in our nature, it's the way we were built and hardwired. And to not allow us to express our nature may just add to all the misery in the world. And that's not cool.

That's why I've decided to let go of my anger, pride, hurt, and indignant feelings which I've felt as well. I mean I'm human too and can you blame me if I did feel all these things after all that was said and done to me? But back to my decision. I choose to just be who I naturally am. And that means I will be a friend always and forever, no matter what, drama or no drama.

As I like to quote Spock, "I have been, and always shall be, your friend," I'd also like to post my favorite song from Wicked. Love this song. This made me cry the first time I heard it and I'd been so moved deeply by this whenever I hear it. Just never thought the day would come when I would identify so much with this song. Anyway, here it is:

For Good

I'm limited...just look at me
I'm limited...
And just look at you
You can do all I couldn't do
So now it's up to you... for both of us...
Now it's up to you...

I've heard it said that people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led to those who help us most to grow
If we let them and we help them in return
Well I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today because I knew you

Like a comet pulled from orbit as it passes the sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder halfway through the wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good.

It well may be that we may never meet again in this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me is made of what I learned from you
You'll be with me like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have rewritten mine by being my friend

Like a ship blown from its mooring by a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a skybird in a distant wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good.

And just to clear the air
I ask forgiveness for the things I've done you blame me for
But then, I guess we know there's blame to share
And none of it seems to matter any more

Like a ship blow from its mooring by a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a skybird in a distant wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better
I do believe I have been changed for the better
But because I knew you
Because I knew you
Because I knew you
I have been changed for good...

The Start of a New Day

Here's to letting go of the old and living in the now and looking forward to the future! :)