It's been a month.
Never thought this would happen. Never saw this coming. Still don't understand why this even happened at all. I mean is all this drama really needed? My life was pretty simple and boring. Now it seems complex and heavy.
Never thought I would lose a friend like this. Never thought I would lose a friend, period. Is it me? What did I do? Where did I go wrong? Why wasn't I told? What am I missing here? Am I that clueless and dense and insensitive that this thing just whisked past me and now there it is, shouting to my face, and I never even knew what hit me?
Was I unfair? Was I too emotional? Was I unreasonable? Was I really inconsistent? Was I that bad, for me to be dropped from someone's life just like that? I mean, I just wish there were hints of what was to come if it was indeed moving towards that direction. But even the subtlest hints were nowhere to be found. In fact, the complete opposite of the hints were what I got. We were getting along great just a few days, heck, just a few hours before that happened. And then boom! The explosion happened. At least natural disasters and calamities can be forecasted and predicted. But this came out of nowhere literally. And it's not as if I didn't ask. It's not as if I didn't try to find out if things are okay. But what I got was that there was something brewing already. I guess I believed too much in what I thought was an assurance that things were okay. When in reality they were not. Heck! Even my gut didn't detect anything. And I'm supposed to be a gut person. Which is I guess part of the frustration about this whole situation.
Was I even given a chance? Am I not worth giving it another shot? I didn't know anyone was keeping score. I certainly wasn't. At least not consciously, if at all. But definitely not deliberately. Why would I? As far as I'm concerned, once I've given the feedback, that's it! Clean slate. Reset. Do-over. And I guess I thought the golden rule usually applied in these cases. But it seems that I wasn't let off the hook that easily. I'm still not off of it.
And it may appear that this is happening, all under the notion and intent for me not to get hurt anymore. Just so that we keep the peace. But this isn't peace. It's anger and hurt swept under a rug that masquerades as peace. Who are we kidding? Who are we fooling? Who are we duping? Then again, it may just be me. It's always just me right? It's all my fault.
I tried to do the mature thing. I tried to be responsible and act like an adult, thinking I would be treated the same way in return. But it appears that I was expecting too much. This would definitely be a lot easier if I knew and I was convinced that I committed a major sin against someone. But I don't understand exactly what I did wrong. I'm not saying I'm perfect. In fact, I'm far from it. But at least I'd like to credit myself for being open and caring enough to work things out. If I did do something major that caused pain, suffering, and a world of hurt, then I would humbly accept and take ownership for it. It may be a bitter pill to swallow but I'm willing to take it in. Even just for the purpose of self-awareness and increased personal clarity. But I wasn't even allowed to find out. It's not as if my request was unreasonable or downright evil. On the contrary, I think it's even laudable. I mean, I'm trying by darnest best to do what's right here, but again it's like hitting my head against a brick wall. It's a dead end.
I just really wish I understood what's happening. Like I said, is this worth all the drama? I mean, it's not even a love relationship where there was a messy break-up. But it feels oddly similar to a break-up. It's so weird that I have to feel this bad and hurt over the loss of a friendship. Maybe because it's the first time. But why do I even have to lose a friend in the first place? Again, is all this drama really necessary? Can't I reserve this kind of melodrama for a relationship of the romantic kind? This just feels so overblown given it's just a simple friendship. Don't get me wrong. I'm not downplaying the value of this friendship. In fact, I clearly stated how much this friendship means to me and how I'd like to keep it forever. But it's a freakin' friendship! Whatever is the drama for anyway? Minor drama perhaps, but this? Just seems a bit too much.
I still think we're better off as friends than not. It's so much easier and much more natural to deal with each other as friends. Because I believe that some people are just really meant to be good friends. And I'd like to think that we are 2 of those people. Why are we torturing ourselves and putting ourselves through all this drama when we can just go back to being friends? I mean it's a fact that friends get on each others' nerves once in a while and they hurt each other here and there but that's why they're friends. They're supposed to stay, despite those things happening. They're just supposed to say, "Ouch! That hurt, you schmuck! Now scoot over and give me the remote back!" Makes you wonder sometimes if we were really friends in the first place, huh? But I'd like to believe we were and we are and we will be again. It's just something that can't be willed away just like that. It's going to take too much of an effort not being friends. The more natural state is to be friends.
If I am to be my most natural me, I would have to be friends again. Because not being friends is not normal, it's unnatural. It's not me. It's not us. Unless there's a logical explanation for us not being friends anymore, I will remain baffled why we cannot remain friends. It's in our nature, it's the way we were built and hardwired. And to not allow us to express our nature may just add to all the misery in the world. And that's not cool.
That's why I've decided to let go of my anger, pride, hurt, and indignant feelings which I've felt as well. I mean I'm human too and can you blame me if I did feel all these things after all that was said and done to me? But back to my decision. I choose to just be who I naturally am. And that means I will be a friend always and forever, no matter what, drama or no drama.
As I like to quote Spock, "I have been, and always shall be, your friend," I'd also like to post my favorite song from Wicked. Love this song. This made me cry the first time I heard it and I'd been so moved deeply by this whenever I hear it. Just never thought the day would come when I would identify so much with this song. Anyway, here it is:
For Good
I'm limited...just look at me
I'm limited...
And just look at you
You can do all I couldn't do
So now it's up to you... for both of us...
Now it's up to you...
I've heard it said that people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led to those who help us most to grow
If we let them and we help them in return
Well I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today because I knew you
Like a comet pulled from orbit as it passes the sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder halfway through the wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good.
It well may be that we may never meet again in this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me is made of what I learned from you
You'll be with me like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have rewritten mine by being my friend
Like a ship blown from its mooring by a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a skybird in a distant wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good.
And just to clear the air
I ask forgiveness for the things I've done you blame me for
But then, I guess we know there's blame to share
And none of it seems to matter any more
Like a ship blow from its mooring by a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a skybird in a distant wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better
I do believe I have been changed for the better
But because I knew you
Because I knew you
Because I knew you
I have been changed for good...
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Saturday, October 10, 2009
The Start of a New Day
Here's to letting go of the old and living in the now and looking forward to the future! :)
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
Your Heart Today
Where there is fear I can allay
Where there is pain I can heal
Where there are wounds I can bind
And hunger I can fill
REFRAIN:
Lord, grant me courage
Lord, grant me strength
Grant me compassion
That I may be Your heart today
Where there is hate I can confront
Where there are yokes I can release
Where there are captives I can free
And anger I can appease (REFRAIN)
BRIDGE:
When comes the day I dread
To see our broken world
Compel me from my cell grown cold
That Your people I may behold
Where there is fear I can allay
Where there is pain I can heal
Where there are wounds I can bind
And hunger I can fill (REFRAIN)
CODA:
And when I've done all that I could
Yet there are hearts I cannot move
Lord, give me hope
That I may be Your heart today
Dedicated to Ninoy and Cory Aquino, this song embodies Manoling's deepest prayers.
Where there is pain I can heal
Where there are wounds I can bind
And hunger I can fill
REFRAIN:
Lord, grant me courage
Lord, grant me strength
Grant me compassion
That I may be Your heart today
Where there is hate I can confront
Where there are yokes I can release
Where there are captives I can free
And anger I can appease (REFRAIN)
BRIDGE:
When comes the day I dread
To see our broken world
Compel me from my cell grown cold
That Your people I may behold
Where there is fear I can allay
Where there is pain I can heal
Where there are wounds I can bind
And hunger I can fill (REFRAIN)
CODA:
And when I've done all that I could
Yet there are hearts I cannot move
Lord, give me hope
That I may be Your heart today
Dedicated to Ninoy and Cory Aquino, this song embodies Manoling's deepest prayers.
Sunday, June 28, 2009
The Sacrament of Waiting
by Fr. James Donelan, S.J.
The English poet John Milton wrote that those who serve only also stand and wait. I think I would go further and say that those who wait render the highest form of service. Waiting requires more discipline, more self-control and emotional maturity, more unshakable faith in our cause, more unwavering hope in the future, more sustaining love in our hearts than all the greatest deeds of derring-do go by the name of action.
Waiting is a mystery - a natural sacrament of life - there is a meaning hidden in all the times we have to wait. It must be an important mystery because there is so much waiting in our lives. Everyday is filled with those little moments of waiting (testing our patience and our nerves, schooling us in self-control). We wait for meals to be served, for a letter to arrive, for a friend to call or show up for a date. We wait in line at cinemas and theaters, concerts and circuses. Our airline terminals, railway stations and bus depots are great temples of waiting filled with men and women who wait in joy for the arrival of a loved one - or wait in sadness to say goodbye and give the last wave of hand. We wait for springs to come - or autumn – for the rains to begin and stop. And we wait for ourselves to grow from childhood to maturity. We wait for those inner voices that tell us when we are ready for the next stop.
We wait for graduation, for our first job, our first promotion. We wait for success and recognition. We wait to grow up - to reach the stage where we make our own decisions. We cannot remove this waiting from our lives. It is a part of the tapestry of living – the fabric in which the threads are woven to tell the story of our lives. Yet current philosophies would have us forget the need to wait. "Grab all the gusto you can get!" So reads one of America's greatest beer ads - get it now! Instant pleasure, instant transcendence. Do not wait for anything. Life is short - eat, drink and be merry because tomorrow you will die. And so they rationalize us into accepting unlicensed and irresponsible freedom - pre-marital sex and extra marital affairs - they warn against attachments and commitments - against expecting anything of anybody, or allowing them to expect anything of us - against dropping any anchors in the currents of our life that will cause us to hold and wait.
This may be the correct prescription for pleasure - but even that is fleeting and doubtful - what was it Shakespeare said about the mad pursuit of pleasure - "Past reason hunted, and once had, past reason hated."
Not if we wish to be real human beings, spirit as well as flesh, soul as well as heart, we have to learn to wait. For if we never learn to wait, we will never learn to love someone other than ourselves.
For most of all waiting means waiting for someone else. It is a mystery, brushing by our face everyday like a stray wind of leaf falling from a tree. Anyone who has loved knows how much waiting goes into it - how much waiting is important for love to grow, to flourish through a lifetime. Why is this? Why can we not have it right now what we so desperately want and need? Why must we wait - two years, three years – and seemingly waste so much time? You might as well ask why a tree should take so long to bear fruit – the seed to flower - carbon to change to diamond. There is no simple answer - no more than there is to life's other demands - having to say goodbye to someone you love because either you or they have made other commitments; or because they have to grow and find the meaning of their own lives - having yourself to leave home and loved ones to find your own path - good-byes, like waiting, are also sacraments of our lives.
All we know is that growth - the budding, the flowering of love needs patient waiting. We have to give each other a time to grow. There is no way we can make someone else truly love us or we them, except through time. So we give each other that mysterious gift of waiting - of being present without asking demands and rewards. There is nothing harder to do than this. It truly tests the depth and sincerity of our love. But there is life in the gift we give. So lovers wait for each other - until they can see things the same way - or let each other freely see things in quite different ways.
There are times when lovers hurt each other and cannot regain the balance of intimacy of the way they were. They have to wait - in silence - but still present to each other - until the pain subsides to an ache and then only a memory and the threads of the tapestry can be woven together again in a single love story. What do we lose when we refuse to wait; when we try to find shortcuts through life - when we try to incubate love and rush blindly and foolishly into a commitment we are neither mature nor responsible enough to assume? We lose the hope of truly loving or of being loved. Think of all the great love stories of history and literature - isn't it of their very essence that they are filled with this strange but common mystery – that waiting is part of the substance -the basic fabric against which the story of that true love is written. How can we ever find either life or true love if we are too impatient to wait for it?
Waiting is a good thing only if something is worth waiting for. How will you know if it's worth it? Gut feel. What if you don't trust your gut? Pray. You will be enlightened. Trust me. Is it wrong to expect while waiting? It's not wrong, but it will increase your chances of heartbreak and disappointment if things don't work out in the end. Is it good to expect while waiting? It is better to HOPE. What's the difference between hoping and expecting? HOPING means you're open to either side of the coin landing though you're more inclined to believe that things will turn out well. EXPECTING means you're thinking single-track... which won't do you much good at all. What's the difference between waiting and expecting? EXPECTING is waiting for something TO DEFINITELY HAPPEN. WAITING is stayingwhere you are, but not necessarily expecting something to happen definitely.
Do you need assurance from someone you're waiting for while you're waiting? Ideally, yes. But realistically, do you really want assurance from this person? It's so easy to just point at something and make that the reason why you're waiting ("Because she said..." "Because he told me that..."). With WAITING, all you really can rely on are three things: your gut feel, your heart and mind. Just YOURSELF, not anyone else. So should you wait? What does your gut say? How does your heart feel? What does your mind think? If they're saying different things, keep asking yourself these three questions (and pray!) until you get a solid answer.
THEN you'll know if he or she is worth waiting for.
The English poet John Milton wrote that those who serve only also stand and wait. I think I would go further and say that those who wait render the highest form of service. Waiting requires more discipline, more self-control and emotional maturity, more unshakable faith in our cause, more unwavering hope in the future, more sustaining love in our hearts than all the greatest deeds of derring-do go by the name of action.
Waiting is a mystery - a natural sacrament of life - there is a meaning hidden in all the times we have to wait. It must be an important mystery because there is so much waiting in our lives. Everyday is filled with those little moments of waiting (testing our patience and our nerves, schooling us in self-control). We wait for meals to be served, for a letter to arrive, for a friend to call or show up for a date. We wait in line at cinemas and theaters, concerts and circuses. Our airline terminals, railway stations and bus depots are great temples of waiting filled with men and women who wait in joy for the arrival of a loved one - or wait in sadness to say goodbye and give the last wave of hand. We wait for springs to come - or autumn – for the rains to begin and stop. And we wait for ourselves to grow from childhood to maturity. We wait for those inner voices that tell us when we are ready for the next stop.
We wait for graduation, for our first job, our first promotion. We wait for success and recognition. We wait to grow up - to reach the stage where we make our own decisions. We cannot remove this waiting from our lives. It is a part of the tapestry of living – the fabric in which the threads are woven to tell the story of our lives. Yet current philosophies would have us forget the need to wait. "Grab all the gusto you can get!" So reads one of America's greatest beer ads - get it now! Instant pleasure, instant transcendence. Do not wait for anything. Life is short - eat, drink and be merry because tomorrow you will die. And so they rationalize us into accepting unlicensed and irresponsible freedom - pre-marital sex and extra marital affairs - they warn against attachments and commitments - against expecting anything of anybody, or allowing them to expect anything of us - against dropping any anchors in the currents of our life that will cause us to hold and wait.
This may be the correct prescription for pleasure - but even that is fleeting and doubtful - what was it Shakespeare said about the mad pursuit of pleasure - "Past reason hunted, and once had, past reason hated."
Not if we wish to be real human beings, spirit as well as flesh, soul as well as heart, we have to learn to wait. For if we never learn to wait, we will never learn to love someone other than ourselves.
For most of all waiting means waiting for someone else. It is a mystery, brushing by our face everyday like a stray wind of leaf falling from a tree. Anyone who has loved knows how much waiting goes into it - how much waiting is important for love to grow, to flourish through a lifetime. Why is this? Why can we not have it right now what we so desperately want and need? Why must we wait - two years, three years – and seemingly waste so much time? You might as well ask why a tree should take so long to bear fruit – the seed to flower - carbon to change to diamond. There is no simple answer - no more than there is to life's other demands - having to say goodbye to someone you love because either you or they have made other commitments; or because they have to grow and find the meaning of their own lives - having yourself to leave home and loved ones to find your own path - good-byes, like waiting, are also sacraments of our lives.
All we know is that growth - the budding, the flowering of love needs patient waiting. We have to give each other a time to grow. There is no way we can make someone else truly love us or we them, except through time. So we give each other that mysterious gift of waiting - of being present without asking demands and rewards. There is nothing harder to do than this. It truly tests the depth and sincerity of our love. But there is life in the gift we give. So lovers wait for each other - until they can see things the same way - or let each other freely see things in quite different ways.
There are times when lovers hurt each other and cannot regain the balance of intimacy of the way they were. They have to wait - in silence - but still present to each other - until the pain subsides to an ache and then only a memory and the threads of the tapestry can be woven together again in a single love story. What do we lose when we refuse to wait; when we try to find shortcuts through life - when we try to incubate love and rush blindly and foolishly into a commitment we are neither mature nor responsible enough to assume? We lose the hope of truly loving or of being loved. Think of all the great love stories of history and literature - isn't it of their very essence that they are filled with this strange but common mystery – that waiting is part of the substance -the basic fabric against which the story of that true love is written. How can we ever find either life or true love if we are too impatient to wait for it?
Waiting is a good thing only if something is worth waiting for. How will you know if it's worth it? Gut feel. What if you don't trust your gut? Pray. You will be enlightened. Trust me. Is it wrong to expect while waiting? It's not wrong, but it will increase your chances of heartbreak and disappointment if things don't work out in the end. Is it good to expect while waiting? It is better to HOPE. What's the difference between hoping and expecting? HOPING means you're open to either side of the coin landing though you're more inclined to believe that things will turn out well. EXPECTING means you're thinking single-track... which won't do you much good at all. What's the difference between waiting and expecting? EXPECTING is waiting for something TO DEFINITELY HAPPEN. WAITING is stayingwhere you are, but not necessarily expecting something to happen definitely.
Do you need assurance from someone you're waiting for while you're waiting? Ideally, yes. But realistically, do you really want assurance from this person? It's so easy to just point at something and make that the reason why you're waiting ("Because she said..." "Because he told me that..."). With WAITING, all you really can rely on are three things: your gut feel, your heart and mind. Just YOURSELF, not anyone else. So should you wait? What does your gut say? How does your heart feel? What does your mind think? If they're saying different things, keep asking yourself these three questions (and pray!) until you get a solid answer.
THEN you'll know if he or she is worth waiting for.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
tonyang and teban
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
steve and air
here's a pic of steve trying to hide behind air. the air is so thick around steve...it tickles... a ticklish air is a fun air. and steve is an air sign... especially the middle air...it's so ticklish, it's not even funny... but the rest sometimes are... and as they say, you can't breathe with no air -- andres
p.s. this is in connection with andres' blog which should be read first...here's the link
letters... from rainer maria rilke
"i want to beg you, as much as i can...to be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves like locked rooms and like books that are written in a very foreign tongue. do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. and the point is, to live everything. live the questions now. perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it live along some distant day into the answer."
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